From the mind of a fangirl
by Psychodahlia
Summary: Tot discovers yaoi.


"I like yaoi."

Hel glanced up from the mountains of research littering her desk. "Excuse me?"

"I like yaoi." Tot repeated. "It's cute!" She beamed up at her caretaker from her place at the table where she was having a tea party with Rabbi-chan.

The blue-haired leader of Schrient took off her glasses and stared at the girl. "Tot, where did you….how do you…." She trailed off, showcasing her ineptitude at mothering. Tot looked at her expectantly with wide blue eyes.

"Yes?"

"Where did you come across that term?" Hel blurted out.

"I heard Schoen say it." Tot beamed. "She was growling about the bad boy who cut her face up and she was saying he was probably an uke yaoi fan." She imitated Schoen's growling countenance, then laughed. "I asked her what that meant and she said yaoi meant two or more boys who were in love with one another. She wouldn't tell me what 'uke' means though."

Hel sent a brief prayer of thanks to a God she didn't believe in. "Oh…" She smiled, glad that Schoen had sense enough not to go into any more detail than that. "Don't worry about it, Tot."

Tot poured a cup of tea for Rabbi-chan. "But what is it?"

Hel rubbed her temples. She was going to kill Schoen for bringing this up. The former model was probably one of the three women in Japan who didn't like yaoi. It meant men who didn't like women and thus didn't like her. Now it seemed that in response to having one yaoi-hater, they had one yaoi-fan.

"Uke is when politics get in the way of boys being in love with each other." Hel said blandly. The best way to turn Tot off from a subject was mention politics. Politics were adult and were thus boring.

"Boooooring." Tot sang out, munching on a cookie and offering one to her toy. "But I still like yaoi."

Hel sighed and turned her focus back to the data that needed sorting. "Fine." It was a waste of time to argue with Tot. It was quite probable she didn't really understand what yaoi meant anyway and would forget the word within a few short days. In the mean time the brains behind Schrient was more than willing to forget the whole conversation.

"Ne, Hel?"

"Hm?"

"Do you think Nagi-kun is into yaoi? And Crawford-san?"

The conversation, Hel decided, had definitely taken a turn for the bizarre. And dangerous, since Schwartz was scheduled to arrive later on that day to discuss Takatori-sama's funding for Masafumi's research. The last thing she needed was for Tot to ask Crawford if he was attracted to other men.

Although, the look on that smug American's face when the girl asked would be priceless…Hel smirked and shook her head. "No, I don't think Nagi-kun and Crawford-san like yaoi."

Neu chose that moment to enter the office. Glancing at Tot playing in the corner with her tea party set, the near-silent woman strode up to Hel. "Schwartz is here."

Tot jumped up. "Rabbi-chan and I are going to talk to Nagi-kun!" She ran out of the room before Hel could stop her.

"Tot!" Hel slammed her fist on her desk in frustration. "Damn it!"

"What is it?" Neu asked neutrally. She didn't really care what was wrong, it was more of a token question.

"She's going to ask Crawford if he's into yaoi." Hel stated blandly. This was going to be humiliating. Masafumi had instructed them to keep a professional appearance in front of Schwartz so that anything they reported to his father would be positive.

Hel didn't care what Takatori thought. She didn't care what Schwartz thought. But if Masafumi wanted the world to see them as professional…she and Neu took off running after Tot.

They found her with Schwartz in the main hall of the mansion. Right in the center of the gargantuan open area, Takatori's bodyguards stood, staring at the girl. Blue-green ponytails bobbing, she smiled as she bluntly asked them about their sexual orientation.

Nagi looked about as expected. His normally blank face was a bright red and he looked…flustered. He didn't say anything but kept nervously looking at Crawford.

Crawford also looked as expected. For one brief moment, shock had overtaken him as he was confronted with a situation he hadn't 'Seen'. Once he realized Tot's question wasn't a threat his face returned to its regular expression of irritation.

Farfarello was cracking up. The Irish lunatic was doubled over and holding his sides. His laughter echoed in the hall and he was wiping tears from his eyes. It was a rather surreal sight.

Schuldig just looked amused. He scratched his head and had a half smile on his face as he stared at the young girl.

It took some quick talking on Hel's part to distract the four men while Neu dragged Tot away. She was nearly about to inject Farfarello with something to turn him into a man-beast before Crawford told him to shut up. Still, she distracted them with some highlights of Masafumi's research.

Then Weiss showed up. Of course Weiss showed up. Weiss always showed up. And at the most damned inconvenient times too. Bastards.

Sooo, big, climatic battle. Good vs. Evil. Black vs. White vs. Screaming. Blah blah blah. The one good thing about it was that Schoen finally got to beat the crap out of Siberian. Really beat the crap out of him. The poor boy was ready to go running behind Farfarello when she was through.

Hel smirked when she saw that, then paid for her inattention by narrowly avoiding Abyssian's sword. Growling she pulled out her nightstick and whacked his hand with it. Simple, but effective. He dropped his hand and the sword fell. She kicked it out of his reach and it slid across the floor right in front of Crawford. The American picked it up by the hilt and looked at it carefully, ignoring the fight. Farfarello wandered over to stare at the sharp pointy object as well.

A variety of curses came out of Abyssian's mouth. Hel wagged her finger in front of his face in a very condescending manner. "Tsk tsk. Do you kiss your sister with that mouth?" The redhead growled and lunged for her. She grabbed his wrist and flipped him on his back easily. "Didn't anyone ever tell you not to attack a lady? If you're going to grab at anyone it should another man."

"Shut-up woman!" Aya struggled to his feet, hindered by the long trench coat. "Damn yaoi fangirls!"

Hel's face twisted in annoyance. "Don't flatter yourself! If I was going to go for any yaoi pairing it would be Crawford and Bombay!" A second later she really wished she hadn't said that. She really had to quit talking to Tot.

The rest of the room became very quiet and the other fights stopped. Crawford and Farfarello turned around with looks of confusion, disgust and (in Farf's case) wry amusement. Siberian and Schoen quit dodging each other's attacks. Nagi quit deflecting Bombay's darts. Schuldig looked distastefully at a horrified Balinese and Neu looked almost entertained.

The silence ended when Tot began jumping up and down and clapping her hands. "Ne, Hel liked yaoi too! But, Tot thought Crawford-san said he wasn't into yaoi." Shuldig shot her a look that indicated how much he'd like to kill her. Nagi blushed.

Crawford massaged his temples and tossed Aya his sword. "This is ridiculous. Schwartz, retreat." He turned and walked away. Schuldig followed, grumbling about bad mental images and sordid fangirl thoughts. Farfarello threw a longing glance at Aya's katana before leaving. Nagi gave Tot a long, sappy love confession that would have nauseated Shakespeare before following his teammates. Finally, Weiss was left alone with Schrient.

Omi was the first to speak. "You people really are sick." Ken nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, the Chibi only looks at heterosexual pictures on the Internet!" Yohji loudly proclaimed, drawing the stares of both his own team and the girls.

"Why would Crawford-san want to love his enemy?" Tot still didn't understand the concept of fantasies. "Bombay is a meanie and Bunny doesn't like him!" She pouted at Crawford's alleged choice of lovers.

"I'm not…he and I aren't…never mind." Omi sighed, knowing that whatever he said would simply be garbled and misunderstood by the crazy girl.

The conversation was interrupted by Aya's yell. Hel had embedded a small knife in his shoulder and kicked him in the gut. Grateful for the excuse, Weiss immediately retreated to nurse their wounds, both physical and mental.

A few weeks later…

"Thank God for the Japanese sexual tolerance." Shuldig sighed as he watched Nakago rip Miaka's clothes off and threaten her. "Otherwise I'd never get over those mental images."

Farfarello snickered. "What did the child think of?"

The German shuddered. "Let's just hope Nagi knows what he's getting into."

At the flower shop…

"Before you say anything I am not looking at porn of any kind!" Omi snapped. Yohji quietly backed away.

"Just checking…"

At the mansion…

"Ne, Hel?"

"Hm?" Hel looked up from the mountain of paperwork that littered her desk. "What is it, Tot?"

"What's yuri?"

Finite

Author's notes- I like yaoi just as much as the next fangirl but this was just too good to pass up. Weiss Kreuz belongs to Project Weiss, I own nothing except some pocket lint. Reviews are appreciated.


End file.
